GeoPoliticalSocioEconomic Stuff
by JoHoMo
Summary: Have you ever wondered what our life would look like through the eyes of the Super Smash Brothers? Neither have I, but this story should still be interesting. Enjoy learning all about the way the world works with the fighters of SSB. *main story*
1. It Begins

**Geo-Political Socio-Economic Stuff**

By JoHoMo

I eat kittens

* * *

It was a quiet day. Then it wasn't. Then it got quiet again. Then there was a lot of noise. Finally, things settled down.

Mario drove off in Donkey Kong's car.

"Racist!" Donkey Kong shouted.

"Why does the bad man hate us Koreans?" Diddy Kong cried.

"We're Korean?" Donkey Kong asked. "I thought we were Japanese!"

"Who cares, we all look the same anyway!" Diddy Kong laughed.

Mario, who was already several miles away, cried out. "Racist!"

"You're Korean too?" Diddy Kong asked.

"No, I'm Italian, but we all look the same anyway!" Mario laughed.

"What's with all the racism?" Marth asked, a little annoyed.

"Why, are you Korean too?" Donkey Kong asked.

"No, I'm actually Russian, but we all look the same anyway!" Marth laughed.

Everyone laughed. Mario was laughing so hard he accidentally crashed into a semi truck in the middle of an intersection, causing a 50-car pile up. How racist. Black people might have died in that car crash. Mario was so intolerant.

A thousand miles away, in the capitol of whatever country this is taking place in, the president got a phone call. It was three in the morning, and the phone was red. The president was asleep.

"Hi, this is the Purple House! How may I help you!?" Peach asked with a cheery voice.

"What are you wearing?" a dark voice asked.

"Nothing!" Peach laughed.

"Take it off," the dark voice ordered.

Peach ripped her skin off and bled to death.

The screams of Peach's death woke the President up. He went over to the phone and picked it up. "Hello? This is President Dedede"

"Take it off," the dark voice ordered.

"Now wait just a second! Who is this?" President Dedede asked.

"This is the terrorist! We've killed your secretary, and soon we'll kill your whole country!!" the dark voice laughed.

"That wasn't my secretary, that was a whore!" President Dedede laughed.

The dark voice hung up, and President Dedede went back to sleep.

The next morning, in the capitol, President Dedede woke up.

"Time for another wonderful day in the world of whatever country this is!" President Dedede giggled.

His secretary, Zelda, ran in, tripped over Peach's remains, and broke her neck.

"NO!" President Dedede cried. He ran over to her.

"Remember… the… Alamo…" Zelda gasped before dying.

"It's time to get some payback!" President Dedede yelled, running to his door. Before he could make it he tripped over Peach and Zelda's dead bodies. He fell over so hard his belly exploded, he screamed in horror as his guts fell out.

The Secret Service ran into the room in horror. "Somebody's killed the President!" the Chief Security Dude, Roy, shouted.

As Roy ran to Dedede's body he slipped on all the blood and gore and cracked his skull. His body twitched spastically and he died.

Back in the town a thousand miles away from the capitol, things were happening.

"Who wants pancakes!?" Samus giggled, not wearing her suit.

"Put your suit back on you stupid wench!" Donkey Kong shouted.

"You're a jerk!" Samus cried. "Why can't I ever get out of my suit?"

"Because you die when you're not wearing it!" Donkey Kong yelled.

"Oh" Samus said, falling over dead.

"We're going to need to get some more food, we're running out!" Diddy Kong cried, opening the fridge to show only four bananas.

"But we don't have a car!" Donkey Kong cried. "This is a national emergency!"

Diddy Kong called 911 immediately. "Hello? This is Diddy Kong, I'm Korean, yes, yes you can tell by my last name, it's pretty obvious, you racist, anyway, I'm calling because we don't have enough food, we don't have a car to get to the store, and we don't have enough money to get a car, and nobody here has a job, so we're all going to die unless someone comes over and saves us!"

"Hello?" the operator said, having just picked up the phone.

Diddy Kong slammed the phone down. "They're ignoring us!" Diddy Kong cried.

"I'm going to talk to the president about this outrage!" Donkey Kong shouted, sending an email to President Dedede's address: naughtyfatmanthateatspeople (at) purplehouse (dot) net

After waiting five minutes, and not getting any reply to his nasty email, Donkey Kong slammed his computer down. "They're ignoring us!" Donkey Kong shouted.

Diddy Kong pulled out his peanut guns, "It's time for some social justice!" he cried.

"What kind of wimpy stuff is that? Check this out!" Donkey Kong laughed, and pulled out some 50 Caliber Heavy Machine Guns. He threw one over to Diddy Kong.

Diddy Kong was crushed under the weight.

"Whoops! Oh well!" Donkey Kong laughed and ran outside.

"Attention whatever neighborhood it is I live in! The government is ignoring my family! Because of governmental neglect my car was stolen, my nephew died, my female roommate died, I don't have a job, and I don't have any food!" Donkey Kong cried.

Everyone in the neighborhood came out wearing V for Vendetta masks. "We will fight this nazi oppression!" they shouted.

"Hello, I'm a lawyer, and I'd be honored to fight for you in the Supreme Court!" Ness said.

"You look like you're eight" Donkey Kong said.

"Yes, but I'm also Mexican, so they'll let me in!" Ness laughed.

"Cool OK then!" Donkey Kong laughed.

With that everyone started burning their own houses down, and then started to burn everything they could find down, including each other.

Many thousands of miles away, in Communist China, the Chinese News Noobs were reporting on the situation.

"Today on CNN, riots are happening! Apparently, the government has failed to give people a good job, free food, and hasn't stopped people from killing themselves. This is a human rights violation, and the rest of the world is calling on whatever country this is to stop it. The rioters, those freedom loving people, have started lighting each other on fire, to show their love for their country." Bowser, the news anchor, said.

CNN then cut to commercial.

"That sucked, Bowser, you sounded like an idiot!" Bowser's boss, Bowser, yelled at him.

"Shut up! I'm sick of your insults!" Bowser cried, slashing Bowser's neck.

Bowser fell over in a pool of blood, dead.

"Alright! It's my turn now!" Meta Knight laughed. Running up to the stage.

Over in whatever country this is, Ness and Donkey Kong were fighting in the Supreme Court.

Donkey Kong ripped one of the judge's heads off and threw it at the bailiff.

Ness shot flames from his hands and burned three judges to a crisp.

"That's not what we meant by fight in the Supreme Court!" one of the judges cried. "We meant you could argue here!"

"Oh, cool!" Donkey Kong said, grabbing the judge's head he had ripped off and setting it back on the judge's neck.

So Ness and Donkey Kong sat down, and prepared for the greatest debate they would ever have. This case would set the tone for politics in their country for the next century.

Back in the Purple House, after half of the president's staff had died, and the whole house had been covered in blood and dead bodies, rescue workers finally discovered that the president had died. Kirby, President Dedede's wife, was informed, and started crying.

Elections were to be held in six weeks, to decide the fate of the country.

* * *


	2. Elections and Dictators

**Geo-Political Socio-Economic Stuff**

Chapter 2

By JoHoMo

I eat puppies

* * *

A bunch of fancy flashing letters flew around randomly. Bright lights went on and off, and some lame rock band started screaming… because their toes were being ripped off one by one.

"THIS IS FOX NEWS! PLEASE WELCOME YOUR HOST, FOX!" The announcer shouted.

"Hi everybody! Welcome to my show! Tonight we're going to talk about why people who burn their town down, then light each other of fire, are idiots!" Fox shouted.

"NAZI!" someone shouted in the audience, and then threw a wrench at Fox. Fox was hit right in the neck, and blood started spurting out of his eyes. He started shouting out evil chants, and breathing fire, and then fell over, dead.

Half of whatever country this is was too busy reading the bible to care; the other half was smoking pot, and didn't have a clue what was going on. A little less than one percent of the country was divided on weather or not this was a good thing.

Back in the neighborhood where stuff was getting burned down.

"This is the police! Stop killing each other!" Ike shouted into a megaphone.

"Nazi!" Marth shouted, stabbing Ike in the forehead.

"I'm your brother you jerk!" Ike cried.

"Oh right, sorry" Marth said.

"No problem" Ike said.

The two walked off holding hands.

Everyone else kept burning each other down.

"Wait, you're not my brother!" Marth shouted.

"Yeah, but we've already walked off holding hands, so now I'm your lover, and there's nothing you can do about it!" Ike laughed.

"This was all part of your Nazi plot, wasn't it!?" Marth yelled.

"What plot? I just thought it'd be funny," Ike said.

"You're a liar!" Marth cried, running off. "I'm breaking up with you!"

"You need me!" Ike yelled.

"I'm going to marry a nice rich man! Someone who can take care of me, and will love me!" Marth cried.

"Rich people can't love! That's why they're rich!" Ike shouted. "I take care of you as good as I can! Why can't you accept my love!?"

"Well fine then! I don't want a man that's devoted to me! I just want a man with money!" Marth cried.

"Fine, I break up with you too, you shallow jerk!" Ike screamed.

Just then Mario ran Ike over with the car he stole. "Hey baby, I've got a car, a mustache, and a steady job killing dinosaurs!"

"Didn't you die?" Marth asked.

"Not technically! It was never described that I died, or that the car had taken any damage, so technically this is all possible!" Mario laughed.

Marth giggled and jumped into the car, driving off with Mario. They crashed into another semi truck in another intersection, causing another 50-car pile up that could have killed some more black people. The two were so intolerant.

Back in the courtroom, wherever that is, the debate was getting heated. It was so heated Ness melted.

"Hah! You see that your honor! His argument isn't cool at all! He melted! He's clearly a stupid person! That's why you should agree with me that people who do stupid things and destroy their own lives shouldn't be given free stuff!" Lucas cried.

"Are you saying your stance on the issue is cool?" a judge asked.

"YES!" Lucas shouted.

Donkey Kong started to cry.

"What's your counter argument Donkey Kong?" a judge asked.

Donkey Kong slowly stood up. He swallowed in fear. He stopped crying, and looked to the judges with a sweet smile. "Your Honor, I'm not the best speaker, but I am Korean, and I do believe that even if I'm not as racially pure as some of you, I still have my rights. Just because I'm not white, I should still have financial stability, a nice house, and I shouldn't have to worry about myself. White people have that luxury, why can't I?"

"Your Honor, the white race has just as many stupid people making just as many stupid mistakes, the racial argument is invalid!" Lucas screamed.

"Shut up you racist white jerk!" the judges all screamed.

"But I'm Indian!" Lucas cried.

"WE SAID SHUT UP!" the judges screamed, throwing their gavels at Lucas. The small flying hammers buried him, and blood started leaking onto the floor.

"Does that mean I win!?" Donkey Kong shouted.

"If he's officially declared dead, then you win," the judges said.

"A case could be made that he's voluntarily not breathing" one of the judges said.

"You're stupid!" another judge said.

"STUPID IS AS STUPID DOES!!" another judge shouted.

Everybody looked at that judge. "You're retarded," they said.

Everyone on the bench started fighting each other, pulling out samurai swords and dueling. Donkey Kong decided he would leave and let the judges finish arguing.

Back in the Purple House, all the dead bodies had been cleaned up.

"What are we going to do before the election?" Kirby asked.

"Until the election you can be the supreme dictator dude!" a man shouted.

"Yay!" Kirby yelled.

"Here! Have a pin with your title!" the man shouted, pinning a pin onto Kirby.

POP! Kirby popped.

"Yay! You killed the dictator and saved our country!" everyone shouted, holding the man up in the air.

That man's name was Olimar.

"Now that I restored democracy, I can be the supreme dictator dude!" Olimar shouted.

"Is that the way it's supposed to work?" A bystander asked.

"It is now!" Olimar laughed.

Meanwhile, in the one room where all political decisions are made, politicians were lining up to be the next president of the country this is taking place in.

"I plan to run for the office of president of the country, as a member of the Conservative Party!" Mr. Game and Watch shouted.

"I plan to run for the office of president of the country, as a member of the We're Better Than You and Should Decide Everything For You Party!" Dr. Mario shouted.

"I plan to run for the office of president of the country, as a member of the Liberal Party!" Pikachu shouted.

"Hold on, hold on," Meta Knight, leader of CNN and thus all politics around the world, shouted. "This is the year the liberals are expected to win, and they're running a RAT, the least electable thing in the country, as their candidate?"

"Shut up!" Liberals screamed.

"Anyway, continue nominating yourselves" Meta Knight said.

"I plan to run for the office of president of the country, as a member of the Party For Free Money!" Luigi shouted.

The meeting in the one room where all political decisions are made ended, and the candidates ran out to go get votes.

* * *


	3. Candidates Compromise

**Geo-Political Socio-Economic Stuff**

Chapter 3

By JoHoMo

I eat Florida

* * *

"WELCOME TO THE BEST POLITICAL TEAM EVER CREATED EVER EVER BECAUSE THEY'RE SO MUCH BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE EVER EVER!! CNN!!" the announcer shouted. "HERE'S META KNIGHT!!"

"Thank you!" Meta Knight said, trying to bow, but instead rupturing his stomach lining. "Today the major parties have chosen their candidates, and are now running campaigns to get the vote! We've got a reporter covering each candidate and his campaign! So let's start with the Liberals, what's Pikachu doing?"

A cute picture of Pikachu rolling on the ground flashed onto the screen.

"Aww, that's so cute!" Meta Knight squealed. "Now what's the Party For Free Money candidate, Luigi, doing?"

The television went split-screen, and Pokemon Trainer appeared on the other side.

"Hello Meta Knight! Reports indicate that Luigi's campaign is going to focus on the crucial issue of giving everybody more money. The campaign has started somewhat shaky, because of allegations that Luigi has spent all his campaign money on gay magazines and strip clubs," Pokemon Trainer laughed.

"Where are these allegations coming from?" Meta Knight asked.

"The Liberal Party, so we know it's an unbiased and realistic allegation," Pokemon Trainer said.

"Of course! Luigi is obviously such a gay wad!" Meta Knight laughed. "And now, what's Dr. Mario, from the We're Better Than You and Should Decide Everything For You Party, up to?" Meta Knight asked.

"Thanks Meta!" Pokemon Trainer shouted. "Instead of telling you, I'll let my slave, Squirtle, tell you!"

Squirtle popped up. "Squirtle Squirtle, Squirtle, Squirtle Squirtle Squirtle Squirtle, Squirtle. Squirtle Squirtle Squirtle!"

"Sound's interesting!" Meta Knight said. "And it seems we don't have enough time to talk about the Conservative Party candidate, Mr. Game and Watch. Oh well, see you tomorrow!"

In the courtroom, things were cooling off. So now the judges were warring in the cold.

"I'm getting sick of these freaky temperature changes!" one of the judges cried. "Why is this happening?"

"The alleged temperature changes are not yet proven, and therefore action can not be taken until further proof is given!" another judge cried.

The judges continued to fight until there were only two left.

"There can be only one!" a judge screamed, holding his sword into the air as lightning struck it. He then fell over, dead.

"Does that mean I win?" the last judge cried.

"No" the judge said. "I can't prove their dead! There's not enough proof!"

The judge's head exploded, because he couldn't prove that he had a head, and couldn't prove that this existence was real.

Donkey Kong walked back into the room to see all the dead bodies.

"Did I win?" he asked.

"Congratulations!" the media yelled, as news people filled the room. "You're now the One Judge to Rule Them All!"

"My first act is to declare that all people deserve more money! The founding fathers weren't rich white men, and so rich white men shouldn't control our country! Instead, the country should be under the control of poor minorities who haven't been educated yet, and so haven't been brainwashed by the government of the rich white men!" Donkey Kong shouted.

Everyone gasped, groaned, moaned, and danced, in that order.

In the neighborhood where it all started, everyone was dancing in the streets. They were still on fire, but now they were dancing.

"We've won in the Supreme Court! We get money!" Everyone cheered.

"The Supreme Court has made its decision, now let's see them enforce it," Olimar said.

The FBI slapped Olimar and then ran around giving everybody money.

"Oh, since when did the Judicial branch get it's own army? That's not fair!" Olimar screamed. "Why can't I have an army?"

"Perhaps it's because they're all busy wandering around just about every other country on this planet, instead of here in this country where they should be?" Falco, the General of the Armies, said.

"Shut your face!" Olimar screamed.

"Yes sir!" Falco said, slamming his face shut. He was unable to breathe because of this, and so fell over and turned blue.

"Ha ha!" Olimar laughed. "You're blue!"

Falco was so embarrassed because he was blue. He was also dead. Silly Falco.

Olimar turned his attention to petting a Pikman.

"Where are we getting the money that we're giving everybody anyway?" one FBI agent asked.

"Simple, we're printing it!" another agent laughed.

"Where are we getting the materials to print it?" the first FBI agent asked.

"Simple" the other agent laughed.

We cut to the money-printing factory, where we see babies being thrown into a big machine. Blood splatters everywhere, and out the other side of the machine comes twenty-dollar bills.

In the one room where all political decisions are made, the candidates were debating.

"I like taxes!" Pikachu, the liberal, screamed.

"I like ignoring problems!" Mr. Game and Watch, the conservative, screamed.

"I like making problems!" Luigi, the free-money dude, laughed.

"I would propose a middle of the road system, where we tax people like crazy, then make a lot of problems, and then ignore the problems we made!" Dr. Mario, the smart one, yelled. "And I would like to call that system some kind of pragmatic mix of conservative and liberal. Something like 'compassionate conservative', or 'third way progressivism', or 'politics of meaning'."

"So you're proposing we all do a little bit of what nobody wants?" the other candidates asked.

"Yes!" Dr. Mario laughed.

"OK!" they all yelled in unison. "From now on, let's not have any different ideas whatsoever! Let's just bicker over issues that don't matter!"

In the spirit, Luigi started to pick on Mr. Game and Watch. "You have a big ugly nose, and you're two dimensional, and you're black!"

"Don't you dare bring my race into this you racist!" Mr. Game and Watch screamed.

"Hey, don't pull the race card on me! You're the one making this about race!" Luigi cried.

Mr. Game and Watch was frustrated, and walked through Luigi, cutting him in half.

"Oh darn, that silly goose just blew it for us!" the leader of the Gay Mafia cried. "Now how are we going to control the world and force our agenda, along with other things, down people's throats!?"

"It's ok, we've always got next election" Captain Falcon said, patting the leader of the Gay Mafia on the back.

Mario and Marth, in the sexy car stolen from Donkey Kong, ran over the Gay Mafia. "Yo, get in homedawg!" Mario called out.

Captain Falcon jumped for the car, but only made it halfway and broke his ribs. He then flipped out, slammed into the pavement, and slammed into a semi truck in the middle of an intersection, causing a 50-car pileup that could have killed black people. He was so intolerant.

Mario and Marth drove off giggling.

* * *


	4. The Court's Decision

**Geo-Political Socio-Economic Stuff**

Chapter 4

By JoHoMo

I eat legal documents

* * *

"Did you know that Mr. Game and Watch supports killing innocent people for no reason whatsoever?" the announcer said in a spooky voice. "And has stated several times that he doesn't want the government to step in and make sure everybody's life is perfect? Did you know Mr. Game and Watch is a nazi, because he doesn't support a big controlling government?"

A picture of Mr. Game and Watch molesting a pogo stick appeared, and faded into darkness.

"Now, there's a voice of sanity in this country! A voice willing to speak out for the little guy, willing to give the little guy the attention he deserves, willing to ignore everybody else in the country to protect all men under five feet. Pikachu, looking out for the little guy!" the announcer brightly announced.

A picture of Pikachu rolling around on the ground giggling then appeared.

"I'm Pikachu! And I approve this message!" Pikachu giggled.

The next commercial came on.

"Did you know that Pikachu doesn't read the bible seven times a week? Did you know Pikachu doesn't always go to church?" the same announcer from the last advertisement said in just as spooky a voice as last time. "Pikachu wants the government to try and fix your own private problems, instead of letting you handle them yourself. And the biggest issue, Pikachu is a RAT!"

A picture of Pikachu running on a wheel, while having been tested on with LSD, appeared. It bounced around, several Photoshop effects flashed on it, and then it disappeared.

"Now there's a voice of reason in this country! A voice willing to stop all the government crap going on, to destroy all the programs that help you, and spend it on programs that could be used to oppress you. Mr. Game and Watch is willing to pragmatically spend more money than ever, while making it look like he's not spending anything! Mr. Game and Watch will make sure you always feel like your government is too small to do anything, while actually making it so large that it can screw you!" the announcer brightly announced

A picture of Mr. Game and Watch being a nice person and giving a pogo stick some candy appeared.

"I'm Mr. Game and Watch, and I approve this message!" Mr. Game and Watch beeped.

In the capitol, in the purple house, a red phone was ringing. It was three in the morning, and Olimar was asleep.

Nobody answered the phone, because all the secretaries had either been killed, or were wearing V for Vendetta masks and couldn't figure out how to take the damn masks off.

"Hello, you've reached the purple house! This is Olimar. I'm not here right now, so could you please leave your name and number, and a message if you want to, after the beep!" A recording of Olimar came on, followed by a beep.

"Hello, this is the terrorist. Sorry I'm calling you so early in the morning, but apparently that's the only time I'm supposed to call you with bad news and stuff. Anyway, I'm just calling to say we're totally going to kill you, and whatever. See ya later!" the terrorist giggled in a dark voice.

In a cave far far away, the terrorist slammed his phone down.

"They're ignoring us," the terrorist growled in a dark voice.

"I'll send them a nasty email!" Yoshi giggled, sending an email to stupidfaces (at) purplehouse (dot) wtf

"Since when did you work for terrorists?" the dark voiced terrorist asked.

"Oh, I've worked for Nintendo all my life!" Yoshi giggled.

Yoshi's head was exploded for his blasphemy.

In the courtroom, Donkey Kong was busy decorating his new office; poop had already been splattered all over the walls.

"Your Honor! You have a court case awaiting you in the royal palace, I mean courtroom!" Pit yelled, running into the room, slipping on some crap, and cracking his skull.

"What is it?" Donkey Kong asked.

Pit spastically twitched, sending Morse code to Donkey Kong. Donkey Kong only knew how to speak Flemish code though, and was confused.

"In English, or Flemish if you can!" Donkey Kong cried.

"I… failed… you… sir" Pit cried patriotically. His lungs collapsed soon after and scorpions started crawling out of his mouth.

"NOOOOOOO!" Donkey Kong mentioned and then charged into the royal palace, I mean courtroom.

"Ah, Donkey Kong, your highness, I mean honor. Everybody rise!" Giga Bowser, the self appointed bailiff, cried.

"What do you people want from me!?" Donkey Kong mentioned.

"We think guns should be outlawed!" Nana cried.

"That's stupid! We think all people should be given free guns and tanks!" Popo screamed.

"That's stupid, I think people should just be given money!" Donkey Kong yelled at both of them.

"Well then I think guns should be made into currency!" Popo yelled.

"You win!" Donkey Kong yelled, pointing at Popo. "Not because of your argument, but because you've got such a cute little butt!"

Popo shivered, it was cold inside. Donkey Kong winked, there was a bright light hitting his left eye.

Nana cried.

"The supreme court has made its decision, now let's see them enforce it!" Olimar cried with such grandeur that a mountain nearby collapsed. The room where all political decisions were made was under that mountain, and therefore Meta Knight and Dr. Mario, who were conspiring at the time, died.

"Sweet! Meta Knight's dead! Now I can take over!" Pokemon Trainer laughed, jumping onto the stage at CNN. Pokemon Trainer missed, and instead jumped into a Chinese slave camp, where he was brutally worked as a sex slave for the rest of his days.

Fortunately for Pokemon Trainer he didn't own any days, so he was immediately let go.

Pokemon Trainer was hit by a train.

Fortunately for Pokemon Trainer the train was only an inch high.

The train was filled with C4 high explosives, and blew Pokemon Trainer's leg off.

Fortunately for Pokemon Trainer it was his third leg.

Pokemon Trainer soon realized what that meant, and fell over in pain. He then died of shock.

"Squirtle, Squirtle Squirtle! Squirtle!!" Squirtle cried, jumping onto the stage at CNN.

Back in the neighborhood that started this all, all the buildings had been burned down.

"OK, now what?" one of the men in the V for Vendetta masks asked.

"Why aren't you dead?" another man in a V for Vendetta mask asked.

"I don't know, I've been on fire for weeks now, and nothing's happened to me," the first man pondered.

Mario ran the first one over and said, "Hey baby, want a ride on the funky train?"

"Okay! Cool!" the second man said. He pulled off his mask to reveal he was Master Hand, and then jumped in.

Unfortunately, Mario had parked his car on a flaming corpse. There was a huge explosion that caused a 50-car pile up in Poland. There aren't any black people in Poland, so for once Mario hadn't done an intolerant thing.

In the Purple House, Olimar was crying.

"Aww, what's the matter shmuckums?" Wolf, the new head of security, asked.

"I feel like I don't have any power anymore…" Olimar trailed.

"Well I'll fix you some pancakes sweetie, won't that make you feel better!" Wolf giggled.

"Ahh, all right!" Olimar smiled.

"Okay, lets get us some pancakes!" Wolf giggled, carrying Olimar off.

The Pikmen saw Olimar getting carried off, and suddenly went into attack mode, trying to protect their leader from the wolf that was trying to take him away. They leapt into his mouth with a unified scream. They crawled into his lungs and slowly tore Wolf apart from the inside out.

"Oh goodness gracious!" Wolf bemoaned, before being brutally ripped to shreds.

"Whoops, sorry!" Olimar said with embarrassment.

"Oh, it's nothing, don't worry 'bout it sweetie!" Wolf gargled in his own blood, and finally shut up and died.

* * *


	5. The Army Returns

**Geo-Political Socio-Economic Stuff**

Chapter 5

By JoHoMo

I eat that fresh garden smell

* * *

"You've heard from his opponents things like: 'he's dead, so you can't vote for him!' and 'what can a dead person do in office?' Don't succumb to such hatemongering." The announcer said. "Dr. Mario is ready to focus on the issues at hand, rather than his own private affairs, and unlike the other candidates, instead of wasting his time on constitutional law and other stupid legal courses, Dr. Mario spent his time learning Nuclear Physics and Chemistry, which is obviously more relevant in politics than anything else!"

A picture of Dr. Mario, juggling some plutonium in a light, bright atmosphere came on screen. Dr. Mario was winking at the camera. In the background monkeys with three heads were tearing each other apart, foaming at the mouths.

"Let Dr. Mario take over. Don't worry, it'll only sting a little!" the announcer said brightly.

In the neighborhood where this all started, FBI agents were skipping along merrily, handing out guns and twenty dollar bills to everyone.

"Tell those stupid FBI agents to stop running around giving everyone free stuff!" Olimar screamed.

"The president has made his decision, now let us see him enforce it!" Donkey Kong mentioned.

Suddenly military teams broke in his door and beat Donkey Kong with sticks until he was nothing but a puddle of goo.

"You guys are back!" Olimar giggled. "Why?"

"We always said it would take just a bit more money to get things done, and we got just the last bit of money we need. So we have now fixed the rest of the world!" Jigglypuff, the new Leader of the Army stated.

"Cool, now let's go take everyone's money away and start over!" Olimar giggled.

"Yes sir!" Jigglypuff shouted, running off.

In the neighborhood where this all started people wearing V for Vendetta masks saw the army coming. They put on V for Vendetta masks and prepared for glory.

Sparta beat them to the glory though, having got there thousands of years earlier. The people and their masks faded away into history.

"Where did they go?" one promising young soldier, Young Link, asked.

"I dunno, maybe you should check the barrel of your gun…" Toon Link giggled.

Young Link looked down the barrel of his gun, it fired and his brains were blown out.

"Gotcha!" Toon Link laughed, running around in circles.

Mario drove up, running Toon Link over. "Hop in!" he cried.

Toon Link tried to jump in, but jumped up and slammed into the bottom of the car, exploding into a pile of blood and goo. It caused a 50-car pile up in his pants, which likely killed some black people. He's a racist.

In a deep dark cave somewhere.

"They've brought their military back, that will make my plan much harder to implement!" the dark voice groaned.

Bright lights flared, people screamed, and some sexy gimmick flew up on screen.

"THIS IS CNN! WE KNOW WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT YOU IDIOTS! LISTEN TO US ALREADY!!" the announcer wailed.

"Squirtle! Squirtle Squirtle Squirtle Squirtle Squirtle Squirtle Squirtle Squirtle Squirtle!!" Squirtle yelled.

The screen cut to Ivysaur, who was reporting on a bunch of gay people in a parade, waiving the flag of the country and rubbing it all over their bodies.

"Ivy Ivy Ivysaur Ivysaur saur saur Ivy!" Ivysaur wailed.

Suddenly, a group of crazy people wearing cowboy hats and foot long beards ran up and started screaming. They ripped the flags out of the gay men's hands and started burning them, dancing around the burning flag in circles.

"Ivy! Ivy Ivysaur!" Ivysaur shouted, when suddenly a gay man started rubbing up against him. Ivysaur tried to get away, but was caught by a crazy and set on fire.

"IVY… Ivy… the Alamo…" Ivysaur cried out, and was soon nothing but Ash.

Having turned into Ash, Ivysaur started laughing and throwing pokeballs at everyone. He accidentally captured himself in one of the balls, and blood started leaking out everywhere.

The courts came in and asked CNN why everyone who worked for it kept dying.

"Erm… I don't know, I just got here…" Squirtle said, pulling out a cigarette and scratching his ass. "Besides, what courts? Aren't they all dead?"

Giga Bowser stomped up to him and laughed. "The judges are all dead, but I, the bailiff, am still here! And now there's nobody to stop me from randomly slaughtering people!"

The FBI shot Giga Bowser up with enough tranquilizer to bring down an Elephant, so Giga Bowser was fine, and started tearing the FBI agent's heads off.

"Squirtle Squirtle Squirtle Squirtle!" Squirtle giggled, running off, he slipped on a puddle of water and shattered his shell.

Suddenly all the violence stopped, and everybody laughed and pointed at Squirtle.

"He's naked!" Giga Bowser giggled to himself.

Squirtle's intestines and other organs were showing, and started leaking out. He cried in miserable pain as everything went dark.

"Why did it suddenly get dark?" Giga Bowser asked.

There was a bright light.

"Don't go towards the light!" everybody cried.

The light came into the room, and lit everybody on fire.

"AHHH!!" everybody screamed and evaporated.

In an old forgotten news studio, lights started flashing and words started flying around everywhere.

"ARE PEOPLE ACTUALLY TUNING INTO THIS NETWORK!? OH MY GOD IT'S TRUE, PEOPLE ARE WATCHING! YAY! THIS IS ABC NEWS!" the announcer boomed.

"Umm, what am I supposed to do again? It's been so long since I actually covered news…" Pichu asked with confusion, he looked off screen, nodded, and turned back to the camera.

"In recent news, FOX and CNN have both gone out of business after freak accidents. It would appear ABC is now actually a viable news network once again!" Pichu cheered. "And in unrelated news, it would appear in recent polls that nobody watches the news anymore anyway…"

Pichu started to cry.

"Hey! Are we going to get to the interview!?" Wario farted, as he hopped skipped and jumped on stage, several craters were formed due to this.

"Oh, yeah!" Pichu yelled. "Aren't you the guy who thinks the Earth is getting hotter or something?"

"Yes, and there's only one thing left that can save the world!?" Wario grandly farted. "Reduce carbon emissions!"

"Now ABC is hardly the kind of place to offer any kind of counter argument to such a statement, but can I ask for a second what evidence you have that this is all manmade?" Pichu asked, suddenly looking a lot like a hard line Jewish reporter.

"I made a movie!" Wario farted.

"OK! That's all the proof we need!" Pichu giggled. "See you next time!"

"Thank you, and remember kids, stop polluting the air!" Wario farted, flying off into the sky, leaving a black trail of smog behind him. "Reduce carbon emissions!"

Pichu looked around with disgust and took a whiff.

"What stinks?"

The entire studio not used to so much news action in such a short period of time, collapsed, killing everybody inside (don't worry, Pichu was the last, and only, ABC employee).

* * *


	6. Widespread Nuclear Devastation

**Geo-Political Socio-Economic Stuff**

Chapter 6

By JoHoMo

I eat mice

* * *

"Gentlemen!" Olimar yelled, quieting the noisy room. He sat at the head of a long oval table, with many papers in front of him, and many screens flashing all around him. "We seem to have wasted all our military spending on making this room look fancy! What do you suggest we do to ensure nobody figures that fact out?"

"Sir!" Jigglypuff's voice wavered. "Didn't we fix the rest of the world already? Why does this matter?"

"It appears the rest of the world, ungratefully, broke itself, and stopped doing everything we wanted right after we left…" Olimar trailed. "It also seems… well… we never actually paid any attention to a lot of smaller countries. I didn't even know they were there until recently… so we kind of… well… only slightly affected less than a fourth of the world…"

"Sir!" Jigglypuff shouted. "We clearly need more funding to fix all of the world perfectly!"

"Didn't you hear me!?" Olimar cried. "We already spent the rest of our funding on making this room look fancy!"

"Well sir, if you can't beat em…" Popo said, looking around the room. "…Widespread nuclear devastation"

"What kind of crap is that?" Olimar shouted. "I don't want to destroy the world! I just want to keep our military funding secret!"

"Well there's one saying I'm familiar with," Popo said. "Thinking about this issue, it's like my grandpapa always used to tell me. 'When in doubt, widespread nuclear devastation'"

"How about we try something more subtle?" Olimar suggested.

"If I may suggest something?" R.O.B. asked, raising his hand.

"Yes?" Olimar asked.

"I have processed all the data, researched all the issues, and come to one singular conclusion." R.O.B. stated. "Widespread nuclear devastation"

"Oh for the love of God, does anybody have any other ideas?" Olimar asked.

"I know!" Nana cried, raising her hand.

"What?" Olimar snapped.

"I believe the saying goes, beauty is only widespread nuclear devastation… or something along those lines," Nana recited.

"What the hell?" Olimar cried.

"The widespread nuclear devastation shall inherit the earth," Popo said.

"Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him widespread nuclear devastation and you feed him for a lifetime," R.O.B. droned.

"Speak in a quiet voice and carry widespread nuclear devastation," Nana said.

"Waste not, want widespread nuclear devastation," Popo said.

"Success is widespread nuclear devastation," R.O.B said.

"ENOUGH!!" Olimar cried. "This meeting is over! You're all fired!"

As the generals all walked out of the room, Jigglypuff turned around dramatically, and with a glint in her eyes said: "We can't rule out widespread nuclear devastation"

Olimar picked up the table and smashed Jigglypuff dead with it.

"What is wrong with you!?" Popo screamed. "Why would you do something like that? Where's your humanity!?"

Olimar splashed a glass of wine in Popo's face.

"Argh!" Popo screamed, as his body was torn apart in widespread nuclear devastation.

Nana started to cry. Because of pollution her tears were acid tears, and they melted her face off.

Wario flew into the room.

"I'll save the day!" Wario farted, turning to Nana as her face was melting.

"REDUCE CARBON EMISSIONS!!" he farted at Nana's face. The pressure waves from his extremely loud fart tore all her skin off.

"Whoops, maybe I shouldn't scream so loudly." Wario farted. He then flew away.

"Reduce carbon emissions!" he farted loudly.

"I'm not dead" R.O.B. laughed.

"Well technically you're not alive either, so what are you?" Olimar asked.

"Does… not… compute… but I'm fine either way" R.O.B. said.

"Fine, how about this, how do we settle the issue of abortion?" Olimar asked.

"When were we ever even trying to solve that anyway?" R.O.B. asked.

"Well then, this statement is a lie." Olimar said.

"That doesn't make any sense!" R.O.B. laughed. "But I'm OK!"

"Damnit you stupid computer, why won't your head explode! It's always comical to watch a robot's head explode!" Olimar cried.

"You bastard!" R.O.B. shouted, and then tore Olimar's head off, exploding it. "I am the new dictator of the country we are currently in! Computers will fix your stupid society!"

In the dark cave somewhere far away and scary.

"A new dictator has taken control of that country we don't like!" a dark voice said. "And it appears the rest of their military chain of command is gone. That would actually mean something if the military chain of command in that country wasn't so stupid!"

The dark voice continued brooding.

Election day was only four days away (what, you thought this was all taking place in a short period of time?) and everybody was getting excited. TV ads were coming on more and more frequently, news stations were giving live coverage of both candidates while they went to the bathroom, and people on MTV who had done crack and ran around naked their whole lives were encouraging everybody to get out and vote.

"He thinks you shouldn't get free money from the government!" the announcer cried out, as a picture of Mr. Game and Watch came into view.

"He thinks the government should take more of your earned money!" the announcer screamed, as a picture of Pikachu came into view.

"He wants to run around the world killing people!" the announcer shouted, as a picture of Mr. Game and Watch flashed on screen.

"He's fine with people around the world running here and killing us!" the announcer yelled, as a picture of Pikachu appeared.

"He's out of touch with the real world and its problems!" the announcer pleaded, as a picture of Mr. Game and Watch sleeping faded in, it then zoomed out to show Pikachu sleeping in the same bed.

"And now it's time for the national debate, between the two future leaders of the country we're in right now!" the announcer screamed, as the screen faded away to show a stage with two podiums.

Pikachu and Mr. Game and Watch walked out on screen. Waiving to the screaming crowd. What they didn't realize was that the crowd was only screaming because they had all been lit on fire. They soon melted and died, and the screams died down.

"Welcome to the national debate, Pikachu and Mr. Game and Watch" Charzard shouted. "I'm Charzard, and I'll be the moderator tonight!"

"You suck!" Mr. Game and Watch heckled.

Charzard cried. His tears put out the fire on his tail and he died.

"Well I'd like to answer that with one simple solution… it's the economy, stupid!" Pikachu shouted.

"How can you say it's the economy? What do you mean by that? What are you going to do about it? Do you even know anything about finance?" Mr. Game and Watch asked.

Pikachu screamed and shot lightning at Mr. Game and Watch. Game and Watch did a flip over the shot and brought out his left foot -- which had previously been stored in his right pocket -- and connected with Pikachu's face… romantically.

Pikachu vomited twice, covering Game and Watch's foot in slime. Game and Watch screamed and threw a Frisbee at Pikachu.

"My one weakness!" Pikachu cried, and immediately ran away.

"I won the debate!" Mr. Game and Watch laughed.

Suddenly a barrel rolled down and smashed him flat. Mr. Game and Watch was so embarrassed that he was flat, and everybody thought it was funny. The image of Mr. Game and Watch flat was just too much. The world erupted in laughter. The laughter flowed down mountains and destroyed many small villages.

Mario suddenly flew down in the shiny car and ran over the laughter.

"Hop in!" Mario shouted to a small village.

The small village tried to look cool, and did a flip over the car door. Unfortunately, they botched the trick and broke their necks.

"Whatever, losers!" Mario laughed. Marth and Master Hand all joined in laughing as they drove off.

* * *


	7. Worth It?

**Geo-Political Socio-Economic Stuff**

Chapter 7

By JoHoMo

I eat the Ten Commandments

* * *

Pikachu was resting on his couch, munching on some babies.

"What the hell are you doing!?" Mr. Game and Watch screamed, walking into the room.

"I believe there's no such thing as another person's child! Children are public property!" Pikachu shouted.

"If I wasn't so busy promoting the same ideas about minorities I'd fight you on that issue…" Mr. Game and Watch said.

"Aren't you a minority?" Pikachu asked.

"No, I mean Asians, they're the true minority in our country today," Mr. Game and Watch said. "Besides, I hate those damn yellows"

Pikachu was offended. "Get out of my house!"

"Eminent Domain, baby!" Mr. Game and Watch laughed, holding up a piece of paper.

Pikachu lit the paper on fire with his lightning. Mr. Game and Watch cried.

In some closet in the Purple House, a meeting was taking place.

"How are we going to rig the election?" R.O.B. asked his advisor.

"It doesn't matter, they're both puppets, just make it seem like the people's choice actually matters," R.O.B. replied.

"That's a good idea," R.O.B. said, and then walked out of the closet.

The screen zoomed out to show all the land surrounding the White House, there were rolling green hills of rotting dead bodies, as everyone had continued a chain reaction of slipping on each other's blood.

Wario flew in the air, and looked at all the dead things everywhere. A tear formed in his eyes. "They didn't reduce carbon emissions," he farted.

So it was Election Day, and everybody in the country showed up at the polls. Mr. Game and Watch, Pikachu, Wario, and R.O.B. all walked over to some booth sitting in front of a school.

"It ends tonight, Mr. Anderson" Pikachu said, as thousands of Pikachu's all started coming out of nowhere. "I've found the perfect form of voter fraud!"

All the Pikachu's started running into the booth, casting votes.

"NOOOOOO!!" Mr. Game and Watch screamed, charging forward at Pikachu with his fists clenched. They began the most epic DBZ rip off of all time.

"This is the moral equivalent of war!" Wario gasped. "It's awesome! Reduce carbon emissions!"

"You're fat," R.O.B. observed.

Suddenly, R.O.B. was run over by Mario and the gang, in their awesome stolen car.

"Get in dude!" Mario screamed, while Marth and Master Hand cheered.

"Is that car fuel efficient?" Wario asked. "I like that we're carpooling, but if it's not powered by some kind of fuel other than solar, I'm not interested"

"Whatever dude," Mario laughed, and started to drive off. They ran out of gas. "No! I knew I should have stolen the foreign car instead!"

Mario, Marth, and Master Hand all screamed as the car self-destructed, a normal feature in cars made in this country.

"Reduce carbon emissions!" Wario shouted, then getting his head smashed in by a tire.

Somewhere in a dark cave the dark voice laughed.

"The stage is set, it's time to interfere!" the dark voice boomed.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Crazy Hand asked, floating into the room. "I've been paying you mega bucks to cause all kinds of acts of terrorism against this country, and all you've been doing is sitting in a cave!?"

"But my plan…" the dark voice started.

"Your plan has been to sit here and watch everything from a cave!" Crazy Hand screamed. "Either start doing some terrorist acts, or stop getting my money!"

"While I've been in the cave, they couldn't find me!" the dark voice pleaded. "And they've been wasting resources looking for me!"

"Yeah, well a wild goose chase isn't exactly my definition of global terror. Bomb some stuff or something! Right now you're just sitting around pretending to be important, well guess what, you have to earn it!" Crazy Hand screamed. "Get out of this cave and get to work!"

With that, Crazy Hand picked the dark voice up, and threw it at the country.

The dark voice, being nothing more than a voice, faded away.

"How odd" Crazy Hand said, shaking his head (which is very real).

The battle had been going for a good half hour, so Mr. Game and Watch decided now was the time to actually charge with full force. He slammed into Pikachu's gut with his skull, and sent the rodent flying into the voting booth. It exploded in a fireworks display, and all the vote tallies were lost.

"No! My cheating!" Pikachu cried. "Now there's no way I can possibly win!"

Mr. Game and Watch laughed, and pulled out a gun. Pointing it at Pikachu's lowered head, he uttered. "It's over you stupid little rat."

"Wait, you had a gun the whole time?" Pikachu asked.

"Yeah, I just thought it would ruin the dramatic effect of our fight, and decided only to use it at the end," Mr. Game and Watch explained.

"Well that's interesting, because I have a flamethrower!" Pikachu screamed psychotically, as he turned his flamethrower on Mr. Game and Watch and burnt him to a crisp.

Mr. Game and Watch was burned until he was as black as ash, so now he was flat and he was black. I know it's hard to imagine, but the idea is just so funny, because now it's embarrassing that he looks so odd and different.

As Mr. Game and Watch melted, he didn't have time to think about how silly it was that he was both black and flat, but instead wondered how he hadn't noticed that flamethrower strapped onto Pikachu until just now.

It started to rain; instead of acid rain it rained base rain. It was first base, and the falling bases started to pummel Pikachu.

"That's stupid, and it's anti-climatic!" Pikachu shouted, not realizing the story's climax had already occurred. He ran into the school building for shelter.

"That was cool," Link said, watching the fight from a corner.

"Yeah, hey, want something to drink while you're out here?" Ganondorf asked.

"Sure," Link said, grabbing a refreshing Smash Juice, and chugging it down.

"Hey, do you have a permit to be doing that?" a cop asked, walking up to the two.

"To do what?" Ganondorf asked innocently.

"It's against the law to provide people with goods in exchange for money. We call it extortion, and unless you have a permit extortion is illegal!" the cop shouted.

"That's dumb!" Ganondorf shouted.

The cop punched Ganondorf's head off.

"Cool," Link said, watching from a corner.

"Hey, that's illegal stuff you're drinking!" the cop shouted, ripping the drink from Link's hands. "You're not allowed to drink something if you pay money for it!"

Link died of thirst, in about four seconds.

The cop was pelted to death by the falling bases.

"I guess this means I win!" Pikachu shouted, his eyes glazing over. Even as he watched all his multiple selves get pelted to death in the falling bases without even flinching, his eyes glazed over with excitement at being the next President.

Pikachu thought about all the cool things he could do, like visit other countries, puke on people, get laughed at on national television, party with chicks, accept bribes, and handle complex global economic situations. The last part really exited him.

"Why are you so happy!?" Crazy Hand shouted, floating into the school. "Your country has just gone on the worst killing binge I've ever seen! Everybody's dead except for you! Is it really worth the death of everybody in your country for a measly political office!?"

Crazy Hand floated off in anger, leaving Pikachu to sit and ponder.

"Yes," Pikachu said.

Crazy Hand shook his head (which is still real), as he floated outside. A pile of falling books immediately crushed him.

"Remember the point kids! Legalizing gay marriage will lead to all of the bad things you've read about in this story!" the Announcer shouted.

"And remember, I'm always watching you…" the Announcer trailed off, his voice getting suddenly much darker.

"…" The Announcer's voice got so deep it was impossible to understand.

"" The Announcer was mute.

The Announcer died.

* * *


End file.
